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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Swim Lessons

Well it's another day as a stay at home mom. Today we had swim lessons. I went to pick up my son from his daycare program at 12:00 for his first swim lesson. I found him sitting in the yard by his favorite friend petting the sheep throughout the wire fence. This is where I often find him when I come to pick him up from school but this time I heard crying and I wasn't sure if it was him or the kid sitting next to him. I looked and he had tears streaming down his face. I asked him what happened and he immediately responded with "She bit me". He was pointing to the little girl who usually bites him sitting about 10 feet away and petting the sheep too. The mom instinct in me immediately reacted. "Why did you bite him", I asked. The little girl turned to me and said, "He's just too rough". I asked my son what he did and he told me that he threw rocks at her. Of course rationalizing with him about why she did it didn't work. He cried harder and showed me the bite mark. I was appalled as the same little girl bites him over and over again at school. It clearly reads in the manually, "Three bites and you're out". What happened with her?

I was off to the swim lessons but on my way out of the school gate, the school director stops me and asks if those are the only shoes that my son owns. I look at her confused and tell her that he has other shoes and ask her why. She replies, " He hates those shoes and we have to put different shoes on him when he gets here". Well, how did I know that.

"He doesn't keep them on and we would appreciate it if you brought the other shoes tomorrow". Okay so another mommy mistake...Be sure that you have the right damn shoes on your kid or all hell is going to break loose. He never complained about them at home. Uhm, off to swim lessons once again.

We pull into swim lessons early and decide to stop to get something to eat at Taco Bell. My son tells me he wants a tortilla. I don't think that you can just ask for a tortilla but he doesn't seem to take no for an answer. I order one and he yells into the drive thru window, "No tortilla, I want a Coke". I order my Pinto and Cheese and ask for a lemonade (I can only imagine what he would be like with a Coke and no nap). He grabs the lemonade and immediately does what I ask him not to do...Take off the lid. He asks me if I want to look inside. I tell him no and put the lid back on the drink. He takes it back off. This goes on for about another 20 minutes as I eat my Pinto and Cheese (by the way only 3 pts. On weight watchers) and we go inside the gym for swim lessons.

Inside the woman's locker room I start to debate whether I should have brought him inside or not. There are naked pictures of woman hanging on all of the walls and naked old ladies walking the halls. I can only imagine what he might say to one of them. We go straight to our locker and my loud son is talking the entire time. "Why are we doing this"? "Who are these people"? "Are we going swimming or not"? One question after another until I'm dressed and walking out the door. The one young lady that we run into as we are leaving smiles at us (she must have kids) and then we see a cranky half naked old bag and she gives us a dirty look (she must hate kids). I tell my son that I have to use the restroom before I embarrass myself in a swimsuit out at the pool. He yells, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"! and won't let me go inside to use the restroom. Okay, what do you do at this moment? You have to use the restroom and they clearly aren't going to let you? I did what most mom's would...dragged him into the bathroom kicking and screaming UNTIL that nice lady we passed agreed to watch him for a minute. I'm now thinking in a panic...Okay lets do it. I run in the bathroom and try to pee as past as I can but all I can hear outside is, "Stay here your mommy will be out in a minute". Then I hear, "Nooooo". And then I hear, "You need to move young man because you're blocking the door and I need to get out" (it's the old bag for sure). I now start peeing 100 miles an hour and wipe before I'm completely even done. I forget to put in a tampon and just run out to get him. He luckily has moved and the old bag is just staring at us with that cranky look she had earlier. We decide to leave quickly as I thank the nice lady who watched him for me.

Out by the pool, we see mothers that we know from school. I start to panic as I remember that it's a mommy and me class and I will be swimming with the other mom's in my pre-pregnancy two piece bathing suit. The one that use to fit me until I gave birth and gained 35 pads. At that moment I look down and remember that I didn't put in that tampon. I decide to cover with a towel and jump in first so others only see the top half until I get out. It doesn't quite work that way as the mothers poor in and the instructor waves for me to get in the pool (she of course if young, in great shape and wearing a wetsuit). I on the other hand am in a 2 piece with boobs hanging out, maybe a blood stain on my ass, cellulite on the tummy and stretch marks to be seen miles away...a picture to be admired!

My son yells out two of his classmates names as I look up. Ohhhh great, it's two mom's that I know and their lovely children. One of them the child that just bit my son about 1/2 hour before class. PERFECT! The one mom is wearing the bathingsuit that I almost bought (thank god that would have been worse) and the other is wearing a string bikini (and looks good in it). I start to throw up in my mouth and swallow it! It's highschool all over again except this time I'm 35 and have a child. I also have a butt the size of J-Lo but includes the stretch marks and cellulite. I do remember that I once one best ass but that was back in 6th grade. If you're winning contests back then, you know that the future will only bring bigger things...in the wrong areas.

The swim coach asks us to put our face in the water with the kids. Now picture me in the water with all of the mom's and the looks on our faces when we had to kiss the water (as instructed by the swim coach) where all of the other 6 kid groups just had lessons. You know what I'm getting out, don't you. PEE! It smelled like urine and tasted like what I would believe that urine tastes like. My son didn't even look too happy about the entire thing. Not to mention the little girl next to us who was screaming uncontrollably for the entire class. I'm still not sure why she was screaming!

Tick Tock, Tick Tock... The teacher was teaching us games and my son played along, kind of. He was choking me the entire time while the biter girl and her string bikini mom was floating on their backs. This kid is said to be a prodigy but she does bite! Both of the mom's looked at me as my son pulled down my top and my lopsided boobs popped out for show and tell. I just smiled and put the girls back inside while my son continued to pull on me.

Now it was time to dunk the kids...What? Yep, we had to blow in their face and come up smiling so they wouldn't know that we just tricked them into going under water and being happy about it. I came up with a big smile and laughing and my son came up with the most pissed off look on his face and hit me.

The end of the lesson was to give the teacher a hi-five and she thought it would be funny to tell them that they hit her so hard that she fell under water. My son thought this was the best part of the lesson...You mean you get to hit the teacher and she falls over and goes under water. He thought that was great. He hit her hard on the hand and laughed as she went under. The biter and prodigy swam to the steps to get out. My son ran to grab the towels and the other boy asked his mom to catch him as he dove off the edge. My son noticed the diving and told me to get back in the pool (as I always do...I listened to him). I thought that he wanted to get in and jump and swim or practice something we learned. Nope, he wanted to hit me and watch me fly back (like the teacher did) and go under the water. We did this for 20 minutes until I couldn't take it anymore and had water in my ears. The mothers laughed as they watched me make a fool out of myself.

Swim class is over and I'm glad that it's only 25 minutes because I couldn't take much more. I hear the other mothers talk about going out for ice cream. I don't get the invite so I try to bail as quickly as possible. No such luck as I approach the locker room and one of the mom's asks how old my son is again. I tell them and they both look at each other like, "Ohhh maybe that's why"? I didn't even ask. I was so out of there. "Bye", we all yelled and it was off for home. My son fell asleep in the car and I sighed with release as another day as a stay at home mom ended.

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