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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Another Day at Swim Class

I swear that my luck is going to have to change sooner or later. The hope is that I survive to see the change. I don't know if I can take another day of pure humiliation. I wonder if other mom's are experiencing the same misfortunes as I am and this leads me to Tuesday's swim class...

It was cold outside and we were running late as usual. I ran into the locker room to put my stuff in the locker and get out to the pool. I had to make the usual stop at the restroom and started to think of my plan of how to get my son to cooperate and come into the restroom with me. I made him the honorary towel holder while I quickly pee'd with one hand on the door so he wouldn't open it for all to see. It worked and we were out of there lickety split. I was impressed and so happy to have that run so smoothly that I guess I didn't notice that I brought a piece of the restroom out to the pool with me. Yes, I know that we have seen the skits on Saturday Night Live and performed them for friends, where you go out with your skirt tucked in your underwear and a toilet seat cover hanging from the back of your undies. Well, this time it wasn't a joke and I was unaware that anything so humiliating could happen to me once again.

I walked in my bathing suit past maybe 50 people in the pool (men, women, kids) with a toilet seat cover hanging out the back of my suit. Now even with a dress you can sort of hide the fact that your wearing a seat cover BUT with a bathing suit on...it really is pathetic. I finally noticed the sound of crinkling paper (you know how loud the tissue sounds when you pull it off the rack to put on the seat) and felt behind me to see where it was coming from. As I was bent over picking up my towel and my ass was pointing out towards the pool. I could hear some chuckles and a woman clear here throat as to let me know something was wrong. I however ignored the entire thing until the tissue made a noise and I felt something in my suit bottom. You see I was wearing a 2 piece bathing suit and the cover was stuck inside the top of the bottoms. It wasn't hanging low enough for me to see but it was there. I wanted to cry as I pulled it out of my suit and looked at what it was. MORTIFIED is the word that I would use! Needless to say, I stayed for the swim lesson where things only got worse.

The little girl from my son's daycare came over to say hi. She was showing us her new bathing suit. I told her that it was very cute and showed her that my son was also wearing a new bathing suit with the sharks from Nemo. I named my son's favorite shark which is Bruce. The little girl on the other hand thought that I said bruise. She yelled very loudly that she also had a bruise! Then she lifted up her little dress and pulled down her panties to show us her bruise right above her vagina. My son then yells out loud, "Look mama there's her butt". About this time her mom looks over and is probably wondering why the hell my son and I are staring at her daughters vagina. I almost left at this point. I laughed and politely told her that she should go put her bathing suit on for swim class.

My son jumped in the water and to my delight it wasn't as cold in the pool as it was outside of it. I thought that this was the lesson that my son would show off all of his newly discovered swim talents that he had been showing me all week in the pool at our house. He didn't think that he would cry and I certainly didn't think that he would choke me as hard as he had the past two classes. Well, I was wrong. He choked the shit out of me and at one point the swim instructor pointed at my top for the second time. She politely says to my son and out loud for all to see, "You shouldn't pull on your mommy's top because her boobies pop out". Okay, tell me that wasn't embarrassing enough. I looked down and sure enough my left breast was floating uncovered in the water. I wanted to die once again as I heard the laughter from the other mom's. The swim instructor made it even better by announcing, "It's okay, we all have seen enough boobies lately, I'm breastfeeding myself". What the hell did that mean? If you remember from another posting...the same thing happened at the first swim class. It's time to buy a new suit or invest in one of those wetsuits that all of the grandma's in the pool are wearing. Ahhh! Just another day at swim class...

Monday, June 26, 2006

The Explosion

Okay never in my lifetime have I ever experienced something so nasty as the explosion my son had this weekend at a friends house. Yes, at a friends house! We were invited to a friends house for an evening BBQ and drinks. We haven't seen our friends in quite some time as they live a few hours from us. The BBQ was a great way to get to see everyone and since kids would be there it would be a perfect opportunity for our son to get in some playtime and my husband and I a few cocktails. Little did we know what was about to happen at this party would be a good lesson learned for all who attended. There is a moral to the story.

Once arriving at the BBQ bash I quickly popped a beer and looked over and my husband was doing the same. My son on the other hand was in the other cooler reaching for a juice box. At every party that I have ever attended with kids, the juice boxes are the life of the party. The problem is that at the age of two kids don't know the difference between drinking one juice box or twenty...It's all the same to them, FREE SUGAR! This happens to be my son's weakness, Num Num's or anything that contains sugar! Of course when you're at a party having a good time and living it up with friends, you don't worry about the sugar content. You figure that you're outside and they can run the sugar off and let the kid live a little. I mean you're having beer and enjoying yourself, why not the kids too? Well, I will tell you why.

My son was hanging out in the sandbox with the two older kids at the party (they were five) and I noticed that the kids were waving for my attention. I looked over and they were screaming that my son had just thrown sand all over them. I yelled over to him, "Don't throw sand or you will go in timeout." I took another chug of my beer and looked around to see if my husband was near. Again the kids came running over, "He did it again". Okay so I went back over there and a horrible smell started to blow pass my nose. Hmmm, he must have pooped so I picked him up kicking and screaming and carried him over to the house. He had sand all over his legs and arms and it looked as though it wasn't going to easily come off so I laid him down on the cement. I grabbed my diaper bag and thought about how he should be potty trained by now and what the hell was I doing changing a kid as big as me. After that thought, I pulled down his pants as he screamed that the cement was cutting his back and found that the poop wasn't exactly solid. In fact this poop was down his leg and dripping out of his pants (I hope your not eating dinner as you read this). I quickly grabbed about 20 wipes and started to cringe as I wiped up the liquid (no mother should have to clean up a mess like this on her own). I couldn't find my husband anywhere so I continued to juggle the diaper, the wipes and the diarrhea all on my own. Needless to say, it took me about 15 minutes to get the entire thing cleaned and under control.

Five beers later it was time for dinner and dessert. I went to look for my son, who I found in the house watching one of the older boys going pee. The older boy was screaming for him to get out of the room and my little one was laughing and yelling for me to come and see. I quickly grabbed him and told him that he should take lessons from that kid and start peeing on the toilet too. He just laughed and said, "Mommy, I love you too". Well, that wasn't quite what I said to him but it worked and I let him down to play in the yard.

My son didn't eat much of his dinner but wanted to try some of the cheesecake that my husband made for the party. I let him try it since his father did make it and was complaining that nobody was eating it. That was probably my biggest mistake that night besides not monitoring the juice box intake. I noticed that he was running off with another juice box and that would be about 5 juice boxes that I witnessed him actually sipping on.

The table was segregated into two sides, those who had children and those who were watching and deciding if they were ever going to have children. I think by the end of the day, my son sealed the deal for many of them...they all probably stopped at the store to buy condoms on the way home. They watched from their side of the deck as I wondered over to the small playhouse to see why my son was hunched down and not coming out. He seemed to be stuck in the house and waved at me when I asked him what was wrong. Little did I know what was about to happen! I rushed over to see what was going on and noticed that the other kids had kind of cleared out of the house and that is when the smell hit me. It was a cross between vomit and diarrhea. Maybe the worst smell I have experience in a long, long time! Yeah it was for sure the worst. I wondered if one of the kids had shit in the playhouse so I looked around but didn't see anything. I asked my son if he pooped his pants and he said, "Nope". Then he turned around and I noticed from the side that his shirt was soaked and I didn't remember anyone having water. As he slowly turned, I could see the chunks of poop hanging from his back and all the way to his hairline. I almost screamed! I panicked for a minute as I had never seen anything quite like it before. He was covered! I looked for my husband and then looked around at the faces of all the couples who didn't have kids and wondered how they would react to this scene. I went to the friend who's house we were at and told her that I might need some help. Again, no husband in site. Our friend quickly got all of the kids out of the playhouse and escorted me to the bathroom. I stopped to give the others a preview of motherhood at its best and I saw the faces turn as they saw the explosion up close. It was bad! I mean BAD!

Now looking back I think it would have been better to just hose the kid down in the yard before attempting to bring them into someone else's house but you do what's best at the moment. My son was fine after a bath and complete scrub down. I finally found my husband eating cheesecake in the backyard and told him the same story that I told you. He chuckled as my son ran past him all clean and ready for another juice box. I guess my lesson was learned that day to never ever mix cheesecake with 5-10 (who knows how many) juice boxes as it leads up to an experiment that nobody wants to have to deal with and especially at a friends house. It's all just part of the fun of being a mom.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Dreaming of a Wiggle

Is it wrong that I find myself attracted to the blue Wiggle on the Disney Channel? My son watches the show before going down at night and sometimes in the mornings before school. I have to admit that I find myself sitting down with him and watching right along. Anthony (I know him by name), the blue Wiggle will come on and start singing "Dorothy the Dinosaur" or break into this side kick dance routine and I can't help daydreaming about him. What would he be like? Does my son think he's the best one out of the group? Hmmm, maybe I can get tickets to the show? I know it sounds crazy but then again I did watch the show, "The Monkeys" as a kid and really found Davie the cutest. Anthony kind of resembles Davie Jones...don't you think? Well, at least it's not Jeff! If you don't have kids or yours are grown then you might want to tune into the Disney channel at about 7:30 or so. I just might be in the audience dancing with my son. There are some positives to this stay at home stuff...you don't have to miss the Wiggles.

Bedtime

I use to brag to other mom's how my son wouldn't dare crawl out of his crib. Well, the other night it happened. He was given a timeout and sent to his bed because he didn't stay on the naughty mat. For those of you who don't watch "Nanny 911" you might not know of the naughty mat but that's okay because the shit doesn't really work most of the time. This happened to be one of those times. I didn't do what another mom once told me and that was to lock him inside his room with a key...now that I found a little odd. I threw him in his crib and told him to go to bed. Well, a few minutes later he was up and out. I about shit when I saw him come down the stairs. Are you kidding me? You got out! I was PISSED! From that night on it has been a constant up and down the stairs for weeks on end. We put him in and BOOM he is downstairs seconds later. He has a cute little smirk on his face and even sometimes he goes in his hat drawer and comes down dressed up for entertainment. I have to hold back the laughter and be firm with him. "Now you have to go back to bed". He smiles and says, "I Love you Mommy". You tell him that you love him too then I pick him up to take him to bed and he kicks me and gives me a raspberry. Now the nanny show tells you to be consistent and keep taking him back to bed and don't talk to him. Your conscience tell you to beat his ass and chain him to the bed. You see after climbing the stairs up and down for an hour...it really starts to wear on you. I try to think positive about all the calories that I just burned and God knows I need it. I scream out, "I deserve a break"! Nope, there are no breaks for parents...your voice gets loud, your flushed and then the yelling at each other that it's their turn to throw his ass back in bed. I guess that is when the fights really start and your patience really starts to go. Hmmm, I can't wait for bedtime tonight.

Well, better go now, it's bathtime and I can't get him inside to take a bath. He's outside digging a hole in the dirt and throwing the extra dirt on the dogs head. I'm sitting inside writing this to you and grinning from the anticipation of dragging him kicking and screaming out of the dirt and upstairs where I hand him off to my husband for bathtime. Then we can both come downstairs and get ready for the bedtime ritual and the fight that we will have when it's all over with...ahhhh, I love being a mom!

New Words

I sent my son to school hoping that at the early age of two he would begin picking up new words, phrases and learning about his ABC's and colors. I have to admit that this is happening and he is doing very well at calling out his colors and singing the ABC song. I guess you just have to weigh how important that is compared to the other things that they also pick up at school. I have been lucky enough that it hasn't got too bad so far BUT here are just a few of the things he now added to his vocab:

"Naaneenanny nanny" -this is with his tongue sticking out and hands in the ear
"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD"- he sometimes just mumbles this in the store when he sees something that he knows would draw attention. I ignore it hoping that he will notice it doesn't get attention.
"Go Away, I don't like you"- Now he knows exactly when to use this phrase and sometimes adds the gesture he just learned at school where you stick your tongue out and blow a raspberry at someone.
"Whale Poop" - I have to admit that this one started at home (by me) but quickly caught attention at school and is now a word of choice when he is upset.

Thongs

My son woke up today and decided that he had his mind made up and that he was going to wear his thongs. We tried the thongs once before but it didn't quite work so well since he couldn't keep them on his feet. Everytime the thong comes off he runs to ask me to put it back on. It literally drives me crazy. I had him at the park last time and he dropped bubbles all in his wagon which got on his foot which made the thongs slip off of his feet. He fell and cried about every two steps but his stubbornness made him try and try again. We finally left the park with cut up knees, tanbark splinters and no thongs!

Well, he wore those thongs again today and I've decided that NEVER again will he wear them out in public. It started with him slipping them off in the car and then asking me to put them back on. He NEVER asks my husband to do anything, it's always "M-O-M-M-Y". He is very loud which I think I mentioned before but I don't know if you quite understand how loud he is. People get up and move or leave when he's in the room...that loud! You can imagine how loud that is in a car with the windows rolled up. Might I add that we don't go to the library anymore because of this. He doesn't understand the concept of a "whisper". He started yelling at me in the car to put on his shoes, "MOMMY, GET MY SHOES AND PUT THEM ON MY FEET" I try to ignore it but it just gets louder.

We got to the car dealership (where we were going in our thongs) and when we let him out of the car he shuffled through the parking lot with his thongs on. He clearly doesn't know how to walk in them and it took us about 1/2 hour to get from the car to inside the building and back. We were only about 10 feet away. I was losing my patience fast so I finally picked him up and he screamed.

We ended up at Costco and I thought that this wasn't going to work because we would be walking and the thong issue would happen all over again. We decided to put him inside the cart and the way that we do this is to bribe him. Yes, I know that parents say they don't do this but we do whatever works at the moment so we aren't completely embarrassed and never asked to return again. Costco is always an easy one because there is food everywhere and he likes Num Num's. As we entered the snack frenzy started and muffins were lined up one by one. He was okay with staying in the cart and eating chocolate muffins (hell, who wouldn't be) and then he starts to scream. I'm thinking, what now? He tells me, "Look MAMA, there are bugs everywhere". I look down and he is sitting in the shopping cart on top of about 1000 ants. They start to cover his leg and he is jumping in the cart and screaming and I'm screaming trying to wipe them off of him. Where you ask is my husband? Well, good question, I sent him off to get another muffin and he must have gotten lost walking down the electronics aisle dreaming of a new 50 ft television for our 10 ft space.

I quickly ran the shopping cart out of the building and told the guy at the front who checks cards that we have to exchange the cart for one without ants. He laughs (hell, it's not his kid) and we throw thongs and all into a new cart and start the trip over again. Sure enough my husband comes out of the TV aisle to greet us with a muffin in hand. Now it's off to get the 3 things we came for and are sure to leave with 20 extra things in tow. That is why I hate Costco...you never leave with less than $300 worth of stuff that you will throw away because you can't eat it before it spoils. The other $300 worth of stuff is clothes that you won't wear, books that you never read, gadgets that you try once and candy that you consume immediately and have to join a gym to get rid of. It's a nightmare but we keep going back weekly. I believe it's my son's favorite place to eat. He begs people as our cart goes by for samples and seems to work his charm everytime. He's full by the time we leave and we save about $2 not having to feed him. It clearly makes up for the $600 that we spent on shit we didn't need.

The main problem is that once my son is in the cart and done with eating...he wants out! He wants to walk with aisles of Costco by himself. If you go to Costco on a Saturday or Sunday then you know how packed it is and how crazy people get trying to get their free samples of chocolate chip cookies or brownies. They will form a line to get them and my son get buried in a crowd of fat asses. This particular time was the worst because he had those damn thongs on. He shuffled from aisle to aisle with me yelling for him to hurry up the entire time. My husband was done shopping and we were still trying to get up the drink aisle. My son saw my husband as we walked by and decided to break into a shuffle run in his thongs. I ran behind him and in a matter of seconds the thong fell off and he hit the pavement. I vowed NEVER again to let those thongs leave the house.

I finally picked up my son put him back in the shopping cart and off we went for the car. My husband paid the cashier as usual while I went to get us a drink. He told me to get a smoothie for my son and a latte for him. That Smoothie will forever be remembered as the blueberries in the shake ended up on the backseat of the car floor and all over my husbands CD player. We still aren't sure if it works and I have to say that he kept his thongs on and didn't spill one drop on them. He was pretty proud of that.

It was off to the mall next and we knew this would be a challenge but I lost my cell phone for the 3rd time and needed a new one. My son shuffled out of the car with his blueberry shake all over his shirt and shorts. We planned on buying him new clothes when we got inside. That plan didn't last long as he shuffled through the women's department of Macy's crying and stopping every 2 minutes to slip his thongs back on his feet. He tried to jump on the escalator but I caught him just in time and before he lost his thong going down. My husband picked him up screaming and we went to get the phone. We put our name in and 2 minutes later my son was running through the store with thongs off (kicked them off in Macy's) and pulling phone accessories off the walls with a chuckle. He had the usual talking to and told us that he would be good but 2 minutes later he was back in action. Later as my husband pulled him kicking and screaming out of the store, I could hear his voice yelling, "I WANT MY M-O-M-M-Y". I smiled and pretended not to hear him as the salesman assured me that he needed a good long nap. I smiled and nodded. My husband was still outside of Macy's when I came out with my new phone and all of the people who were sitting on the bench by the store when we went in were now on the other side of the mall on a new bench...do you blame them?

The thongs have now been retired to the top of our swing outside. A place where my son will never look because he can't see that high up. I hope that he never asks to wear them again and when he does...those thongs will be so small that we will have to buy a new pair. This time the thongs will have a strap on the heel and when he's mastered those at 16 then he can buy his own pair as an adult. I'm done with it!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Interview

Okay so today is at the top of the list of "bad days" for me. I woke up in the morning to realize that after taking 2 laxatives, Metamucil and Flaxseed oil that I was still constipated. I thought that I was going to die and my stomach was as big as it was giving birth to my son. I decided it was time for the Anemia. As much as it was going to hurt ...it couldn't be much worse then the pain I was experiencing now. I went in to do the deed and ... I still didn't go! Never in my life have I had this happen. I'm not sure what is going on but it's not good. As soon as I got on the toilet I hear a voice yell, "Mommy, where are you?" Ohhhh no, for sure it was over now. My son ran in to tell me his usual requests to turn on the TV and get his juice and find his toys, etc etc. I jumped up and followed him downstairs to start my daily mommy duties. Never did I imagine that constipation was a part of being a mom. There just isn't time to relax and go.

I started the daily routine of my son yelling, "no not that juice, that juice". "No, I don't want toast, I want Num Num's (candy)". I reply with the usual, "No" and then the screaming starts and it always ends the same way. He gets timeout and decides that the juice that I gave him was better then no juice at all.

Now it's time to get him dressed. Sometimes my husband does this for me in the morning (which is a real treat) but when he comes out in the same clothes from yesterday I wonder if it's really worth it. I always tell my husband and he replies with, "I know". I think it has to do with the fact that he does the laundry and doesn't drop him off so it's fine with him.

We fight about getting in the car and my son runs in and out of the house screaming before I grab him up and throw him in the car seat. He screams and we are off to school. He talks the entire way about what we see on our daily drive. Will there be a horsie on the way? Will he see the same cow that is out in front of the neighbors house that he always does. He yells to tell me that the same chairs that have been sitting in front of the neighbors yard are still there. He wants to know where the puppy is that was walking down the street yesterday but isn't there today. You know the usually two year old questions and comments.

I'm late today and it's a bad thing because I might have the chance to get out of this stay at home mom phase and move back into the working mom world. I have a job interview for the first time in weeks. I get on the road to rush to the interview and find out that it's Nascar weekend so everyone and their motorhomes are coming through to see the race.

I make it to the interview with 10 minutes to spare. Ahhh, it's a good feeling to be on time and I'm ready to go get that job. On my way into the interview I notice a black bird flying overhead. Then another bird swooping down and another and another. In fact the birds are surrounding me as I walk by the glass window building. I start to panic as one dives toward my head. I wonder if the birds are attacking each other or after me. It becomes really apparent that they're after me when one of the birds swoops down and pecks me on the head. I grab my head to see if I'm bleeding but just then another one comes in from the right and hits the other one. It's straight out of the movie, "The Birds". I'm totally being attacked and I make a run for it with my heels and briefcase in hand. I'm cutting through the grass and notice that people can see me from inside the building. I don't care as I begin to scream and run as fast as I can to the other side of the building. The birds don't give up and still come straight for my head with loud screeching sounds, "Oh my God, HELP!" I'm yelling at the top of my lungs but nobody comes out to help me. I begin swinging my briefcase at the birds and start to fall as they attack me from all angles. I have NEVER in my life been attacked by birds or have seen anyone attacked except in the movies. I start to cry as I can't get away and I finally see the front door of the building. I make a run for it and get inside. My hair is sticking up all over and blood is running down the back of my hair. I'm huffing and puffing and tell the receptionist what just happened. She starts to laugh and so do I as I realize what has just happened. The birds were protecting a nest outside and I happened to walk by their babies at the wrong time.

The receptionists at the front desk says my name and I tell her that I'm here for an interview. She hands me the paperwork to fill out and looks for the best pen that she can find. She hands me the pen and I begin to fill out the application. I get through the first page and decide to look down at my hand and I discover that my hand is covered in blue ink. I yell, "shit", right in the office. I jump up and the ink is running down my arm and on to my shirt. The receptionist laughs again and hands me a new pen and throws the leaking one away. She asks me if I want to use the restroom inside the building and hands me a "guest pass". I really didn't want to be walking throught the building with dripping ink so when she hands me some liquid soap, I take it. I lather my blue arm with the soap and scrub off the ink. I pull my jacket shut and the HR person comes out to start the interview. Needless to say, I don't think I will be getting a call back anytime soon.

It was 12:30 by the time I got home and time for swim lessons once again. My son was covered in dirt when I picked him up from school and there was no time to clean up. It was off to the pool for another traumatizing day of getting into a bathing suit and my son choking me from not wanting to swim. Sure enough he screamed the entire session of swim class and when it was over, he decided to start dunking his head under water and showing off. It was unfortunate that everyone was gone so nobody saw that he really could follow the lesson. I on the other hand was very proud and took him home for what hopefully will be a long nap.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Potty Training

I just bought that video that mom's recommend for potty training. You know the one called, "Once Upon a Potty". Well, I don't know if I recommend it or not. My son who is very outgoing hasn't wanted to take a shit in his toilet since we bought the video. He sat on the couch and I made him watch it as he picks up lots from TV. He looked confused as they sang the potty song but when it got to the little cartoon boy bending over to show his butthole...It really scared the little guy. He didn't even look at me. He just kept staring at the TV and had this funny look on his face like, I didn't need to see that. He was pooping on the toilet and telling me when he felt like he had to go. He hasn't gone once on the toilet since he's watched the movie. I might recommend saving that video for a drunken night with old friends and limit the poop training to buying a potty and letting him sit on it. Throw in an award every now and then and let him flush it when he's done. He doesn't have to know that there's a hole back there and things are dropping out...shit, I'm scared myself!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Swim Lessons

Well it's another day as a stay at home mom. Today we had swim lessons. I went to pick up my son from his daycare program at 12:00 for his first swim lesson. I found him sitting in the yard by his favorite friend petting the sheep throughout the wire fence. This is where I often find him when I come to pick him up from school but this time I heard crying and I wasn't sure if it was him or the kid sitting next to him. I looked and he had tears streaming down his face. I asked him what happened and he immediately responded with "She bit me". He was pointing to the little girl who usually bites him sitting about 10 feet away and petting the sheep too. The mom instinct in me immediately reacted. "Why did you bite him", I asked. The little girl turned to me and said, "He's just too rough". I asked my son what he did and he told me that he threw rocks at her. Of course rationalizing with him about why she did it didn't work. He cried harder and showed me the bite mark. I was appalled as the same little girl bites him over and over again at school. It clearly reads in the manually, "Three bites and you're out". What happened with her?

I was off to the swim lessons but on my way out of the school gate, the school director stops me and asks if those are the only shoes that my son owns. I look at her confused and tell her that he has other shoes and ask her why. She replies, " He hates those shoes and we have to put different shoes on him when he gets here". Well, how did I know that.

"He doesn't keep them on and we would appreciate it if you brought the other shoes tomorrow". Okay so another mommy mistake...Be sure that you have the right damn shoes on your kid or all hell is going to break loose. He never complained about them at home. Uhm, off to swim lessons once again.

We pull into swim lessons early and decide to stop to get something to eat at Taco Bell. My son tells me he wants a tortilla. I don't think that you can just ask for a tortilla but he doesn't seem to take no for an answer. I order one and he yells into the drive thru window, "No tortilla, I want a Coke". I order my Pinto and Cheese and ask for a lemonade (I can only imagine what he would be like with a Coke and no nap). He grabs the lemonade and immediately does what I ask him not to do...Take off the lid. He asks me if I want to look inside. I tell him no and put the lid back on the drink. He takes it back off. This goes on for about another 20 minutes as I eat my Pinto and Cheese (by the way only 3 pts. On weight watchers) and we go inside the gym for swim lessons.

Inside the woman's locker room I start to debate whether I should have brought him inside or not. There are naked pictures of woman hanging on all of the walls and naked old ladies walking the halls. I can only imagine what he might say to one of them. We go straight to our locker and my loud son is talking the entire time. "Why are we doing this"? "Who are these people"? "Are we going swimming or not"? One question after another until I'm dressed and walking out the door. The one young lady that we run into as we are leaving smiles at us (she must have kids) and then we see a cranky half naked old bag and she gives us a dirty look (she must hate kids). I tell my son that I have to use the restroom before I embarrass myself in a swimsuit out at the pool. He yells, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"! and won't let me go inside to use the restroom. Okay, what do you do at this moment? You have to use the restroom and they clearly aren't going to let you? I did what most mom's would...dragged him into the bathroom kicking and screaming UNTIL that nice lady we passed agreed to watch him for a minute. I'm now thinking in a panic...Okay lets do it. I run in the bathroom and try to pee as past as I can but all I can hear outside is, "Stay here your mommy will be out in a minute". Then I hear, "Nooooo". And then I hear, "You need to move young man because you're blocking the door and I need to get out" (it's the old bag for sure). I now start peeing 100 miles an hour and wipe before I'm completely even done. I forget to put in a tampon and just run out to get him. He luckily has moved and the old bag is just staring at us with that cranky look she had earlier. We decide to leave quickly as I thank the nice lady who watched him for me.

Out by the pool, we see mothers that we know from school. I start to panic as I remember that it's a mommy and me class and I will be swimming with the other mom's in my pre-pregnancy two piece bathing suit. The one that use to fit me until I gave birth and gained 35 pads. At that moment I look down and remember that I didn't put in that tampon. I decide to cover with a towel and jump in first so others only see the top half until I get out. It doesn't quite work that way as the mothers poor in and the instructor waves for me to get in the pool (she of course if young, in great shape and wearing a wetsuit). I on the other hand am in a 2 piece with boobs hanging out, maybe a blood stain on my ass, cellulite on the tummy and stretch marks to be seen miles away...a picture to be admired!

My son yells out two of his classmates names as I look up. Ohhhh great, it's two mom's that I know and their lovely children. One of them the child that just bit my son about 1/2 hour before class. PERFECT! The one mom is wearing the bathingsuit that I almost bought (thank god that would have been worse) and the other is wearing a string bikini (and looks good in it). I start to throw up in my mouth and swallow it! It's highschool all over again except this time I'm 35 and have a child. I also have a butt the size of J-Lo but includes the stretch marks and cellulite. I do remember that I once one best ass but that was back in 6th grade. If you're winning contests back then, you know that the future will only bring bigger things...in the wrong areas.

The swim coach asks us to put our face in the water with the kids. Now picture me in the water with all of the mom's and the looks on our faces when we had to kiss the water (as instructed by the swim coach) where all of the other 6 kid groups just had lessons. You know what I'm getting out, don't you. PEE! It smelled like urine and tasted like what I would believe that urine tastes like. My son didn't even look too happy about the entire thing. Not to mention the little girl next to us who was screaming uncontrollably for the entire class. I'm still not sure why she was screaming!

Tick Tock, Tick Tock... The teacher was teaching us games and my son played along, kind of. He was choking me the entire time while the biter girl and her string bikini mom was floating on their backs. This kid is said to be a prodigy but she does bite! Both of the mom's looked at me as my son pulled down my top and my lopsided boobs popped out for show and tell. I just smiled and put the girls back inside while my son continued to pull on me.

Now it was time to dunk the kids...What? Yep, we had to blow in their face and come up smiling so they wouldn't know that we just tricked them into going under water and being happy about it. I came up with a big smile and laughing and my son came up with the most pissed off look on his face and hit me.

The end of the lesson was to give the teacher a hi-five and she thought it would be funny to tell them that they hit her so hard that she fell under water. My son thought this was the best part of the lesson...You mean you get to hit the teacher and she falls over and goes under water. He thought that was great. He hit her hard on the hand and laughed as she went under. The biter and prodigy swam to the steps to get out. My son ran to grab the towels and the other boy asked his mom to catch him as he dove off the edge. My son noticed the diving and told me to get back in the pool (as I always do...I listened to him). I thought that he wanted to get in and jump and swim or practice something we learned. Nope, he wanted to hit me and watch me fly back (like the teacher did) and go under the water. We did this for 20 minutes until I couldn't take it anymore and had water in my ears. The mothers laughed as they watched me make a fool out of myself.

Swim class is over and I'm glad that it's only 25 minutes because I couldn't take much more. I hear the other mothers talk about going out for ice cream. I don't get the invite so I try to bail as quickly as possible. No such luck as I approach the locker room and one of the mom's asks how old my son is again. I tell them and they both look at each other like, "Ohhh maybe that's why"? I didn't even ask. I was so out of there. "Bye", we all yelled and it was off for home. My son fell asleep in the car and I sighed with release as another day as a stay at home mom ended.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Suddenly Unemployed

Never did I think that I would become what most mothers inspire to be... a stay at home mom. These days it seems to be what every mom and dad inspire to be. I do agree that staying home with your children is great BUT never did I expect to get this opportunity of a lifetime. I just wanted to take you on the journey of a new stay at home mom.

My son is two and is generally a "good" two year old. I'm not sure what that means because I have never had a two year old or even had much exposure to a two year old. I do however know about "the terrible twos". I read about them in the books that they give you when leaving the hospital. The ones that you only break out when in need. You know when your child has a temperature of 107 and you start asking each other what to do? Or he starts vomiting all over you and the house and your not sure if you should take them into the hospital or put their head in the toliet. I always chose the hospital route but only to be questioned over and over again by my husband...do you really think he needs to go to the hospital just because he's burning up with a fever and throwing up and he swallowed a screw?

I just got the opportunity of a lifetime... I lost my job and became an instant stay at home mom. WOW! I'm so lucky I tell myself. Then why is it that he is in school most of the day and when I decide to take him out for a day of fun, it turns into a complete disaster? Welcome to my blog!

A Trip to the Doctor

I've become the stay at home mom that I NEVER wanted to be.

This is how my day went today...my son wakes up and screams my name. I run in and get him to find him covered in urine. I clean him up and decide that I should take him to a Magic show at the library where he picks up some girls straw and shoves it down his throat. Needless to say that we left shortly after that. Next we rush to the Chiropractor (my back went out after spending all my time at the gym and lifting my son) and my son decides to throw a full fit in the office over not getting his 3rd piece of candy. The office is full of old women who can't take it and leave the building. He breaks the rolling machine that I'm enjoying and who knows how much it costs? He dumps my purse out on the floor, opens the door to the office and runs up and down the hallway screaming (the kid is LOUD). He clears the waiting room and I start to panic and give him timeout which makes him burst into a screaming tantrum and he rips down the not so expensive quilt hanging on the wall and throws it on the floor. He grabs the garbage can and empties it next to my purse and laughs hysterically. I lose control and pick him up to beat his ass and he punches me in the face. I'm about to cry and the doctor tells me that I don't have to stay for the massage work and I don't have to come back in for another few weeks (I was coming every 2 days until I brought him with me). I throw him in the car screaming and get home where I rush him up to bed. This is where he is now and I'm having a beer writing this to you. This is my new life... HELP!