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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Another Day at Swim Class

I swear that my luck is going to have to change sooner or later. The hope is that I survive to see the change. I don't know if I can take another day of pure humiliation. I wonder if other mom's are experiencing the same misfortunes as I am and this leads me to Tuesday's swim class...

It was cold outside and we were running late as usual. I ran into the locker room to put my stuff in the locker and get out to the pool. I had to make the usual stop at the restroom and started to think of my plan of how to get my son to cooperate and come into the restroom with me. I made him the honorary towel holder while I quickly pee'd with one hand on the door so he wouldn't open it for all to see. It worked and we were out of there lickety split. I was impressed and so happy to have that run so smoothly that I guess I didn't notice that I brought a piece of the restroom out to the pool with me. Yes, I know that we have seen the skits on Saturday Night Live and performed them for friends, where you go out with your skirt tucked in your underwear and a toilet seat cover hanging from the back of your undies. Well, this time it wasn't a joke and I was unaware that anything so humiliating could happen to me once again.

I walked in my bathing suit past maybe 50 people in the pool (men, women, kids) with a toilet seat cover hanging out the back of my suit. Now even with a dress you can sort of hide the fact that your wearing a seat cover BUT with a bathing suit on...it really is pathetic. I finally noticed the sound of crinkling paper (you know how loud the tissue sounds when you pull it off the rack to put on the seat) and felt behind me to see where it was coming from. As I was bent over picking up my towel and my ass was pointing out towards the pool. I could hear some chuckles and a woman clear here throat as to let me know something was wrong. I however ignored the entire thing until the tissue made a noise and I felt something in my suit bottom. You see I was wearing a 2 piece bathing suit and the cover was stuck inside the top of the bottoms. It wasn't hanging low enough for me to see but it was there. I wanted to cry as I pulled it out of my suit and looked at what it was. MORTIFIED is the word that I would use! Needless to say, I stayed for the swim lesson where things only got worse.

The little girl from my son's daycare came over to say hi. She was showing us her new bathing suit. I told her that it was very cute and showed her that my son was also wearing a new bathing suit with the sharks from Nemo. I named my son's favorite shark which is Bruce. The little girl on the other hand thought that I said bruise. She yelled very loudly that she also had a bruise! Then she lifted up her little dress and pulled down her panties to show us her bruise right above her vagina. My son then yells out loud, "Look mama there's her butt". About this time her mom looks over and is probably wondering why the hell my son and I are staring at her daughters vagina. I almost left at this point. I laughed and politely told her that she should go put her bathing suit on for swim class.

My son jumped in the water and to my delight it wasn't as cold in the pool as it was outside of it. I thought that this was the lesson that my son would show off all of his newly discovered swim talents that he had been showing me all week in the pool at our house. He didn't think that he would cry and I certainly didn't think that he would choke me as hard as he had the past two classes. Well, I was wrong. He choked the shit out of me and at one point the swim instructor pointed at my top for the second time. She politely says to my son and out loud for all to see, "You shouldn't pull on your mommy's top because her boobies pop out". Okay, tell me that wasn't embarrassing enough. I looked down and sure enough my left breast was floating uncovered in the water. I wanted to die once again as I heard the laughter from the other mom's. The swim instructor made it even better by announcing, "It's okay, we all have seen enough boobies lately, I'm breastfeeding myself". What the hell did that mean? If you remember from another posting...the same thing happened at the first swim class. It's time to buy a new suit or invest in one of those wetsuits that all of the grandma's in the pool are wearing. Ahhh! Just another day at swim class...

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